From the Diary of Chubby Girl

I’m not going to pretend that words don’t hurt me, that I don’t hear fat and automatically think ‘shit they’re talking about me’. I’m not going to pretend that I’m a strong curvy woman who has come to terms with my body and think it’s beautiful. Because every time I take a step, every time I believe I’m close to loving my body, someone gives me a reason not to. Imagine what it’s like looking in the mirror every day and hating your body. Imagine people piling on abuse on top of that. It’s not fun is it? It feels like a mound of hate constantly being mounted on yourself and it’s hard not to listen to it.

            I like clothes, I like feeling pretty and why shouldn’t I be allowed to feel pretty because I was born with a metabolism that makes it hard for me to lose weight? No-one tells someone with a big nose or a unusual looking ears to change them, so why do we feel it’s okay to do the same with people who are over-weight (or even under-weight)? Why not allow them to feel comfortable in their body if they’re perfectly healthy? It shouldn’t be okay to attack someone’s weight because it’s easy and you know it’s going to hurt because I wouldn’t do the same to your insecurity, because you can’t change it, you were born with it.

            Growing up overweight and different to the rest of your friends leads to a lifetime of feeling inadequate, of feeling like you’re not as pretty or not as confident as them. I try to be confident and to be proud of the positives of my body and most of the time I am but it doesn’t mean those insecurities aren’t there. It’s a wafer thin game of Jenga that with a few short words said by someone who isn’t thinking can topple straight down. It’s definitely not an easy thing to build back up again.

            I shouldn’t have to live in a world where if I annoy someone or I hear that things are talked about behind my back that the biggest worry I have is that they’ll tell me I’m fat. It would hurt me more to be called fat than anything else. It hurts me to know that our society is so built on looks that it’s worse to be called fat than a ‘c***t’.

            I apologise that this blog post is more serious and less in line with the others, it’s not about confidence and how to be a strong independent woman but more about the façade of it all. I am confident most of the time, but it doesn’t mean that words don’t hurt me, that I don’t have my insecurities like everyone else. I don’t look in the mirror and love what I see and I’m not the only one. Girls are criticised for their looks and worry about what people are saying about them almost constantly, no matter what size they are. No-one should be subjected to that. The worst part? Mostly it’s from other woman, it’s the person you thought was your best friend or even someone you don’t particularly like. Once women start pitting themselves against each other and saying things to hurt them, we lose it. Remember your words and imagine them said to you, women are in this together so please support and respect each other no matter what you look like.