Please don't feed the demon

First of all, Happy 2015 and long time, no write. For that, I apologise, no-one should ever stop writing because excuses become habit and it's not a habit I want to get into. I'm afraid I had writer's block but the new year comes with new thoughts and new ideas.
         So, the real reason I had writer's block is because I wasn't being true to the subject of my blog. How can I write about being a Strong Independent Woman and help others be that, if I'm not feeling like one? It's not the first time I haven't listened to my own advice but I'd lost my way and I didn't want to hear obnoxious, happy and strong Tilly in my ear so I avoided her. It's not bad to have times where you fall down, where you don't feel strong anymore and it's something that happens to the best of us. How can women feel beautiful and strong all the time when what is defined as beautiful and strong is always changing? Why can't we be our own role models? Answer: we can. Old Tilly,happy, strong and Tilly who felt sexy IS my role model. I want to get back to that. That feeling that I am beautiful and I can achieve anything. And I think I'm getting back there. See, it's fine to lose our way and feel down, as long as we feel like we can get back there.

                I got into the horrible mindset that I wasn't happy unless someone liked me, I was actually defining my happiness on a guy, which should never ever happen. This New Year and the time away from my new friends and life has made me realise how many things I have to be happy about. Okay, so one aspect of my life isn't going the way I'd hoped but THINK OF ALL THE OTHER THINGS. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends (new and old), an education that only 50% of people in England get to have and when I'm at Uni or at home I'm surrounded by beautiful things. How can I flitter between Canterbury and Oxford and still feel bored and crappy?!
               This is why my New Year's resolution is to discover something new at least once a week. To get out of my bedroom and experience the city I'm in. Whether it be Oxford, Canterbury, wherever. I feel like this is a realistic goal. To focus on the positive in my life. I'm not saying that we're not allowed to feel down sometimes and that you need to pick yourself up immediately, because it's not always the case, but I am saying...don't stay down for too long and don't let the one wrong thing get you down because there will be many other things that are good in your life.

               In the words of Amy Poehler: 'some people give their demon so much room that there is no space in their head of bed for love'. Whatever your demon is, don't let it consume you like I did. I was 'feeding my demon' and allowing it to 'get really strong' which should never happen. Listen to the angels, not the devils and rediscover why you are the amazing person that you are.

The Shoshanna Shapiro Stage

Like every GIRLS (HBO) fan I find Shoshanna Shapiro hilarious and think she comes out with the best lines in the show (I am also bitterly disappointed by how neglected she's been this series, but that's another subject for another time). However, I found her the least relatable of all the characters. I don't know if that's because I'm very English and they don't really make them like her here, or whether it's because I'm most definitely a Hannah. As everyone does with a girl group on TV, my friends and I each relate to a particular character. But none of us quite fit the bill for Shoshanna. And this, I've now realised, is because the Shoshanna in us only comes in various stages in our life, as Shosh herself is now realising, being Shoshanna is not sustainable.

                As I approach my 18th birthday still the Hannah in the group, the frumpier one, the one that's not quite the most intelligent but is quite good at bullshitting that she is; I now understand Shoshanna and I get her. I've realised, I am now in the Shoshanna Shapiro Stage of my life. The time when I've done a Mindy Kaling, a Lena Dunham, a Kat Dennings and realised: damn, I am mighty fine. Yes, it took a lot of failed diets, Instagram stalking of Mindy and many a night dancing in my underwear to Beyonce, but I'm there and that's what counts.

         It's like I'm seeing the world in a whole new light. I used to think I was confident, but now I actually feel it. I live in a small town and have repeatedly gone back to the same boy because it seemed he was the only one who liked me. I constantly told myself 'there's no-one here I want anyway', and to a certain extent that's true, but to a greater extent: there's no-one here who I'm willing to settle for. Why give away my virginity because I think there's a stigma? I'm a SIW (Strong Independent Woman for non-Beyonce disciples) and ‘I don't need no man’ to define me as beautiful.

         Now I can go out and I can meet men elsewhere, I realised that I don't have to be the ugly chubby friend who gets comments like: 'when you get back from University all the boys who said mean things about you are going to be all over you because you'll have lost loads of weight and you'll be as thin as your sister', or 'wow, you've defo lost weight Tilly, your stomach used to be so much bigger than that'. I'm now the Shoshanna in our group, meeting men, testing the waters, don't hold her down. I've rid myself of my 'Ray' and I'm ready to discover myself. It's not sustainable and it probably won't last forever but I'm enjoying it whilst it lasts. I'm now not afraid to admit that the cute guy at the off-license smiled at me because I think my friends are going to go 'really? Her? Girl is delusional'. Yeah, he smiled and waved at me and that's because not all men want every woman to look the same. My advice to any young girl who thinks she's inadequate because maybe boys her age don't seem to like her: you are wrong, they are wrong and be confident, be assured and when the time comes and you get away, it'll happen. Don't wish for it to happen constantly, it'll only get you down. And my advice to Hannah: stop pining over Adam, go on a SIW independent woman mission and get rid of that idea that no-one but Adam likes you because you're chubby. Any man who is worth his salt likes a Mindy Kaling, Kat Dennings or Christina Hendricks, they like having a woman who loves themselves as much as any man could. In the words of Danny Castellano (World's Greatest Man) 'you're a woman, look like a woman'.