I’m not going to pretend that words don’t hurt me, that I
don’t hear fat and automatically think ‘shit they’re talking about me’. I’m not
going to pretend that I’m a strong curvy woman who has come to terms with my
body and think it’s beautiful. Because every time I take a step, every time I
believe I’m close to loving my body, someone gives me a reason not to. Imagine
what it’s like looking in the mirror every day and hating your body. Imagine
people piling on abuse on top of that. It’s not fun is it? It feels like a
mound of hate constantly being mounted on yourself and it’s hard not to listen
to it.
I like
clothes, I like feeling pretty and why shouldn’t I be allowed to feel pretty
because I was born with a metabolism that makes it hard for me to lose weight?
No-one tells someone with a big nose or a unusual looking ears to change them,
so why do we feel it’s okay to do the same with people who are over-weight (or
even under-weight)? Why not allow them to feel comfortable in their body if
they’re perfectly healthy? It shouldn’t be okay to attack someone’s weight
because it’s easy and you know it’s going to hurt because I wouldn’t do the
same to your insecurity, because you
can’t change it, you were born with it.
Growing
up overweight and different to the rest of your friends leads to a lifetime of
feeling inadequate, of feeling like you’re not as pretty or not as confident as
them. I try to be confident and to be proud of the positives of my body and
most of the time I am but it doesn’t mean those insecurities aren’t there. It’s
a wafer thin game of Jenga that with a few short words said by someone who
isn’t thinking can topple straight down. It’s definitely not an easy thing to
build back up again.
I
shouldn’t have to live in a world where if I annoy someone or I hear that
things are talked about behind my back that the biggest worry I have is that
they’ll tell me I’m fat. It would hurt me more to be called fat than anything
else. It hurts me to know that our society is so built on looks that it’s worse
to be called fat than a ‘c***t’.
I
apologise that this blog post is more serious and less in line with the others,
it’s not about confidence and how to be a strong independent woman but more
about the façade of it all. I am confident most of the time, but it doesn’t
mean that words don’t hurt me, that I don’t have my insecurities like everyone
else. I don’t look in the mirror and love what I see and I’m not the only one.
Girls are criticised for their looks and worry about what people are saying
about them almost constantly, no matter what size they are. No-one should be
subjected to that. The worst part? Mostly it’s from other woman, it’s the
person you thought was your best friend or even someone you don’t particularly
like. Once women start pitting themselves against each other and saying things
to hurt them, we lose it. Remember your words and imagine them said to you, women
are in this together so please support and respect each other no matter what
you look like.
