Do you know what I hated when I was single? People telling me what I should do to no longer be single: ‘you have to love yourself, you have to stop looking, you have to give off vibes that you’re willing to meet people’. All of it contradictoryand I’d say, for the most part, it was wrong too. This isn’t a blog post about how you can get a relationship, because I don’t know what the answer is to that and I’m definitely not the authority on it even if I did. All I know, is that this is an open letter to myself for all the time I wasted on boys who were not interested in me and I’m hoping it will resonate with even one person.
My Mum always told me ‘if someone likes you they will make it happen’, this is the same sentiment that was echoed in Justin Long’s character in the 2012 film ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. But he changed his mind, he was into her all along and they lived happily ever after. This movie only served to perpetuate the time-wasting mentality that someone will come around, that they will suddenly realise they’ve been interested in you the whole time and they’ll sweep you up and marry you. People, don’t bloody waste your time. This is SO unlikely to happen I’d just see it in the same league as Aidan Turner realising he’s in love with me (which I’m actually not willing to accept is a fantasy just yet).
The reality, in my experience, is that if it’s going to happen it’s EASY. Previously, trying to start something with a boy was like jamming a key that fits in the lock but it doesn’t open the door. Maybe if you push it and try really hard you could get it to turn, but it’s not made for that door, it’s probably not going to happen. Just give up and look for the proper key once you realise it doesn’t fit. When you find someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, the key just turns smoothly. There’s no games, there’s no doubt in your mind that this is the key for this lock.
I’ve spent so much time in the past resenting people that didn’t want to be with me, wondering what was wrong with me, but you can’t force something because it’s just a feeling. Now I’m with someone who feels right, I don’t resent them anymore because it probably wasn’t about the way I looked or who I am, it just didn’t feel right. It’s also all timing, where each person is in their life and whether they’re ready to make that commitment. It’s not about whether you open yourself up to a relationship, or whether you stop looking because when it happens the reality is, it was nothing you did or looked for, it just happened. Even if you meet on Tinder, in my experience (of watching from the sidelines because I was way too scared to meet up with anyone on Tinder), you probably didn’t expect that one person you went for a drink with to end up as your boyfriend, you just clicked.
In the same stead if you aren’t interested in someone you need to tell them. It may be really difficult and it may hurt them but in the long-run it will hurt them a whole lot less if they know they aren’t wasting their time and pinning their hopes on you. Everyone, literally everyone, prefers honesty to being kept in the dark. But honesty is a whole ‘nother blog post for a whole ‘nother time.
Like I said, I’m no authority on relationships and I don’t want to be that girl that gets a boyfriend and straight away writes a blog post about how she did it, because I have zero idea (also, I waited 7 months to write this...). Obviously if you’re going on loads of dates, you’re opening yourself up to more people and more opportunities so maybe you’re more likely to find that key that fits, but that can be soul destroying too. I just know the heartbreak I experienced time and time again putting all my hopes on guys who were never going to end up with me because I was forcing it. If I had my time again, as soon as I sensed things were getting difficult and I’d cut and run before getting my feelings hurt, if they think you’re the person for them they’ll be just as keen as you.