The journey to happiness

        This year, for me, was all about my own happiness. When you go to University, you have to start thinking about yourself and what’s good for you but most importantly, WHO is good for you. It’s easy to hold onto certain people because they feel normal, or you’re so used to fighting for them that you’ve forgotten why you’re fighting. It’s hard to cut toxic people out of your life without a trigger, but the truth of the matter is that there doesn’t really need to be one. If they don’t make you happy, and are actively making you unhappy then that should be trigger enough.

            I don’t think I truly knew what it was to be happy until I was finally only surrounding myself with people who made me that way, when I no longer felt on edge. It was like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders; that someone was telling me to be free because now I knew I had only the people I wanted around me. It’s hard to cut off that limb, to pull that trigger, to get

rid of that person because you probably still care for them. They’re in all your photos, your memories, and you remember the good times. It’s no different to a break up with a romantic partner because a best friend is just as much a part of your life. But sometimes you have to think about you, you have to face the facts that they’re a toxic influence and the bad was starting to outweigh the good.

            This year I learnt to stop feeling bad for fighting for and debating over things I cared about. Different political and social views are a fact of life; I’m not ignorant to the fact that I will largely have to face people who disagree with me. But I’m no longer going to sit quietly and tell myself not to cause a fuss because why shouldn’t I debate over something I care about if the person is also expressing their views on a social media platform which invites people to debate? People care about things, whether they disagree with what I care about or not I still invite the debate and I applaud people who can defend what they believe in. For me, there’s nothing worse than having an opinion and not being able to defend it, because then why do you have it?

            I have got to stop living in a way that is constantly worried about what other people think of me. People wonder why I freak out so much about what I wear when I go on a night out, but the truth is I need to feel like I couldn’t have worn something better in that situation so that people only think the very best of me. Me feeling good in an outfit normally comes from whether I think other people will think I look good in it. So I wear the same outfits over and over again because I know I feel like I look pretty, you can’t see my stomach and I know other people think I look good in it. Obviously, I’m not a complete sheep, I pick clothes because I like them and feel comfortable in them, but I don’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons, which I think most people are guilty of.

            But it’s not just clothes; it’s the political opinion and happiness thing too. I’m learning to not care what people who aren’t important to me think about me. I care that everyone I surround myself with thinks I make them happy and likes me but if I piss someone off who isn’t one of them, then it’s no longer bothering me. It sucks so much to feel like people don’t like you, and I’m sure there are people out there who don’t like me, I probably know exactly who and I’m not naïve. But who really cares what they think of you? Are you happy? Are you surrounded by people who are also happy and care about you still? Then there’s no need to waste your thoughts and your energy on people who don’t matter. Will they matter in 5 years? Will they matter in 10? Everyone would rather have clear air but no-one is ever going to be liked by everyone, it’s only going to get you down if you try to make that a reality. We’ve all pissed someone off and you can live with yourself, you can still be happy and they can too.

               So 2015 was the year for myself, the year I realised my body is my body and my choices are my choices. I want to be happy and I started to take real and actual steps towards that. I was happy before, sure, but I wasn’t actively aware of how much happier I could be. I see snapshots of this year, where I was at the beginning and where I was at the end. Two different people, even if I’m outwardly the same, inwardly I feel less toxic and 100x less volatile. Shit happens but every choice was my own. Political, social, physical it was all mine.

            I take this into the New Year, I want to take happiness with me and continue my journey. I want to stay true to myself and these thoughts, to stay true to what is making me happy and what is making me passionate. I want to care less about things that aren’t important and care more about what is. This is only the beginning.

From the Diary of Chubby Girl

I’m not going to pretend that words don’t hurt me, that I don’t hear fat and automatically think ‘shit they’re talking about me’. I’m not going to pretend that I’m a strong curvy woman who has come to terms with my body and think it’s beautiful. Because every time I take a step, every time I believe I’m close to loving my body, someone gives me a reason not to. Imagine what it’s like looking in the mirror every day and hating your body. Imagine people piling on abuse on top of that. It’s not fun is it? It feels like a mound of hate constantly being mounted on yourself and it’s hard not to listen to it.

            I like clothes, I like feeling pretty and why shouldn’t I be allowed to feel pretty because I was born with a metabolism that makes it hard for me to lose weight? No-one tells someone with a big nose or a unusual looking ears to change them, so why do we feel it’s okay to do the same with people who are over-weight (or even under-weight)? Why not allow them to feel comfortable in their body if they’re perfectly healthy? It shouldn’t be okay to attack someone’s weight because it’s easy and you know it’s going to hurt because I wouldn’t do the same to your insecurity, because you can’t change it, you were born with it.

            Growing up overweight and different to the rest of your friends leads to a lifetime of feeling inadequate, of feeling like you’re not as pretty or not as confident as them. I try to be confident and to be proud of the positives of my body and most of the time I am but it doesn’t mean those insecurities aren’t there. It’s a wafer thin game of Jenga that with a few short words said by someone who isn’t thinking can topple straight down. It’s definitely not an easy thing to build back up again.

            I shouldn’t have to live in a world where if I annoy someone or I hear that things are talked about behind my back that the biggest worry I have is that they’ll tell me I’m fat. It would hurt me more to be called fat than anything else. It hurts me to know that our society is so built on looks that it’s worse to be called fat than a ‘c***t’.

            I apologise that this blog post is more serious and less in line with the others, it’s not about confidence and how to be a strong independent woman but more about the façade of it all. I am confident most of the time, but it doesn’t mean that words don’t hurt me, that I don’t have my insecurities like everyone else. I don’t look in the mirror and love what I see and I’m not the only one. Girls are criticised for their looks and worry about what people are saying about them almost constantly, no matter what size they are. No-one should be subjected to that. The worst part? Mostly it’s from other woman, it’s the person you thought was your best friend or even someone you don’t particularly like. Once women start pitting themselves against each other and saying things to hurt them, we lose it. Remember your words and imagine them said to you, women are in this together so please support and respect each other no matter what you look like.

Please don't feed the demon

First of all, Happy 2015 and long time, no write. For that, I apologise, no-one should ever stop writing because excuses become habit and it's not a habit I want to get into. I'm afraid I had writer's block but the new year comes with new thoughts and new ideas.
         So, the real reason I had writer's block is because I wasn't being true to the subject of my blog. How can I write about being a Strong Independent Woman and help others be that, if I'm not feeling like one? It's not the first time I haven't listened to my own advice but I'd lost my way and I didn't want to hear obnoxious, happy and strong Tilly in my ear so I avoided her. It's not bad to have times where you fall down, where you don't feel strong anymore and it's something that happens to the best of us. How can women feel beautiful and strong all the time when what is defined as beautiful and strong is always changing? Why can't we be our own role models? Answer: we can. Old Tilly,happy, strong and Tilly who felt sexy IS my role model. I want to get back to that. That feeling that I am beautiful and I can achieve anything. And I think I'm getting back there. See, it's fine to lose our way and feel down, as long as we feel like we can get back there.

                I got into the horrible mindset that I wasn't happy unless someone liked me, I was actually defining my happiness on a guy, which should never ever happen. This New Year and the time away from my new friends and life has made me realise how many things I have to be happy about. Okay, so one aspect of my life isn't going the way I'd hoped but THINK OF ALL THE OTHER THINGS. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends (new and old), an education that only 50% of people in England get to have and when I'm at Uni or at home I'm surrounded by beautiful things. How can I flitter between Canterbury and Oxford and still feel bored and crappy?!
               This is why my New Year's resolution is to discover something new at least once a week. To get out of my bedroom and experience the city I'm in. Whether it be Oxford, Canterbury, wherever. I feel like this is a realistic goal. To focus on the positive in my life. I'm not saying that we're not allowed to feel down sometimes and that you need to pick yourself up immediately, because it's not always the case, but I am saying...don't stay down for too long and don't let the one wrong thing get you down because there will be many other things that are good in your life.

               In the words of Amy Poehler: 'some people give their demon so much room that there is no space in their head of bed for love'. Whatever your demon is, don't let it consume you like I did. I was 'feeding my demon' and allowing it to 'get really strong' which should never happen. Listen to the angels, not the devils and rediscover why you are the amazing person that you are.