The journey to happiness

        This year, for me, was all about my own happiness. When you go to University, you have to start thinking about yourself and what’s good for you but most importantly, WHO is good for you. It’s easy to hold onto certain people because they feel normal, or you’re so used to fighting for them that you’ve forgotten why you’re fighting. It’s hard to cut toxic people out of your life without a trigger, but the truth of the matter is that there doesn’t really need to be one. If they don’t make you happy, and are actively making you unhappy then that should be trigger enough.

            I don’t think I truly knew what it was to be happy until I was finally only surrounding myself with people who made me that way, when I no longer felt on edge. It was like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders; that someone was telling me to be free because now I knew I had only the people I wanted around me. It’s hard to cut off that limb, to pull that trigger, to get

rid of that person because you probably still care for them. They’re in all your photos, your memories, and you remember the good times. It’s no different to a break up with a romantic partner because a best friend is just as much a part of your life. But sometimes you have to think about you, you have to face the facts that they’re a toxic influence and the bad was starting to outweigh the good.

            This year I learnt to stop feeling bad for fighting for and debating over things I cared about. Different political and social views are a fact of life; I’m not ignorant to the fact that I will largely have to face people who disagree with me. But I’m no longer going to sit quietly and tell myself not to cause a fuss because why shouldn’t I debate over something I care about if the person is also expressing their views on a social media platform which invites people to debate? People care about things, whether they disagree with what I care about or not I still invite the debate and I applaud people who can defend what they believe in. For me, there’s nothing worse than having an opinion and not being able to defend it, because then why do you have it?

            I have got to stop living in a way that is constantly worried about what other people think of me. People wonder why I freak out so much about what I wear when I go on a night out, but the truth is I need to feel like I couldn’t have worn something better in that situation so that people only think the very best of me. Me feeling good in an outfit normally comes from whether I think other people will think I look good in it. So I wear the same outfits over and over again because I know I feel like I look pretty, you can’t see my stomach and I know other people think I look good in it. Obviously, I’m not a complete sheep, I pick clothes because I like them and feel comfortable in them, but I don’t want to stand out for the wrong reasons, which I think most people are guilty of.

            But it’s not just clothes; it’s the political opinion and happiness thing too. I’m learning to not care what people who aren’t important to me think about me. I care that everyone I surround myself with thinks I make them happy and likes me but if I piss someone off who isn’t one of them, then it’s no longer bothering me. It sucks so much to feel like people don’t like you, and I’m sure there are people out there who don’t like me, I probably know exactly who and I’m not naïve. But who really cares what they think of you? Are you happy? Are you surrounded by people who are also happy and care about you still? Then there’s no need to waste your thoughts and your energy on people who don’t matter. Will they matter in 5 years? Will they matter in 10? Everyone would rather have clear air but no-one is ever going to be liked by everyone, it’s only going to get you down if you try to make that a reality. We’ve all pissed someone off and you can live with yourself, you can still be happy and they can too.

               So 2015 was the year for myself, the year I realised my body is my body and my choices are my choices. I want to be happy and I started to take real and actual steps towards that. I was happy before, sure, but I wasn’t actively aware of how much happier I could be. I see snapshots of this year, where I was at the beginning and where I was at the end. Two different people, even if I’m outwardly the same, inwardly I feel less toxic and 100x less volatile. Shit happens but every choice was my own. Political, social, physical it was all mine.

            I take this into the New Year, I want to take happiness with me and continue my journey. I want to stay true to myself and these thoughts, to stay true to what is making me happy and what is making me passionate. I want to care less about things that aren’t important and care more about what is. This is only the beginning.